old old writing

I stumbled across some old writings today. It was a scary, hard, reflective trip down memory lane. I loved my years in college, but looking back I can see and remember a lot of the pain I felt during certain events in my life. I'm so thankful I'm not in the same mindset and heartset I was back then. I am redeemed and accepted and unconditionally loved no matter what comes my way.

(February 2005)
Am I tricking myself with clouds of love?
Do I trust this is the right direction?
How can I walk by your side and not
See this as a perfect lesson?
There’s no reason to hide
Behind the doubts of a foggy view
I can be your hand to hold
You can be my warm embrace
Just to know we have each other
Our hearts can rest in a peaceful place
Sure its scary to think of the future
But if the chance comes you got to hold tight
Cause if you miss out you’ll never possess
The memories of a perfect night
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(February 2005)
Roll call.
They call me Laura *clap clap*
Or hey, you nerd *clap clap*
But ya know that's better *clap clap*
Than a five letter curse word.
Sha, sha boogy, sha sha, sha boogy. Roll call.
Its me again *clap clap*
Getting ready for bed *clap clap*
But there's just someone *clap clap*
I can't get outta my head.
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(March 2005)
Sun shining down
warming my face
burning my heart

Wind blowing trees
caressing my face
touching my heart

God forgiving all
lifting my face
cleansing my heart.
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(January 2006)
Something I wrote about a year ago:
Am I tricking myself with clouds of love?
Do I trust this is the right direction?
How can I walk by your side and not see this as a perfect lesson?
There's no reason to hide behind the doubts of a foggy view.

Something I wrote about a month ago:
I look into your eyes and see that this hurts -the unknown confusion,
yet I'm separated by distance and glaze.
And I can't be stirred to decide one way or the other.
I'm just here and now unavailable to the future and dreams you pour from your lips.

Something I wrote about an hour ago:
Regret has a long name.
Its called "loving you".
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(July 2006)
When I'm driving alone my mind wanders to all these things I would want to write about and I tell myself to remember it for the sole sake of writing it down here. Not with the intent of making my thoughts public, but more so affirming these thoughts by making them more than just electric pulses through my brain neurons. But I sit in front of this glowing screen and my mind's canvas is blank. All my epitomes and self-declarations meander back in the abyss and I can't remember them for the life of me. Who knows? I might've conjured up the cure for AIDS but lost it in distraction.
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(August 2006)
I'm a penny heads down.
Will you still pick me up?
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(September 2006)
you can't save me from these thoughts
for the trust that grew now rots
you've changed into what I despise
a popular gift but not a prize
enjoy your time of ill fated joy
you won't fool me with your face of coy
give back to me all I shared at dawn
vulnerable at best when I attempt to yawn
feeling stupid for wanting that lingering taste
invisible I realize it was all a waste.
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(November 2006)
I wish I could scream in someone's face right now.
So I'll face the mirror and scream at the disappointment looking back.
AHHHHHHHHHHH.
I'm beginning to fall in the rabbit hole again.
I'll need to leave behind a rope so I can find my way out.
WOAHHHHHHHHH.
Sitting on the beach watching waves to and fro.
Confused about the life full of glee and hurtful woe.
NOOOOOOOOOOO.
I can do this. OH YES, I can, I must.
Cleanse away the remnants of heavy burdened rust.
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