breakdown

I encountered an Angel today. He arrives to turn in paperwork for his summer employment application in the late afternoon. He is shorter than the typical teenager and resides in a small slender body. His black hair sweeps across his face tinged with sweat from the run from his father's truck to the building's front desk. He pulls out paper after paper to contribute to the required application packet. As I check to see if he has all the necessary documents, he looks around the lobby with curious and frightened eyes and shifts his weight from left to right back to left then right. He is missing two necessary documents so I ask him if he could ask his father for the information. He nervously seems to understand what is still missing from the packet and says he'll be right back. As he leaves through the double doors I turn to the next case and proceed to make copies of birth certificates and social security cards.

With the hum of the machine duplicating with genius precision, I turn my head to look out the window and find him running back to the building feet heavy with apprehension. I leave my half-finished copy work to greet him at the door. He hands me the first needed document and I check it off the list. One last crucial item remains. He hands me a membership card to an existence I'm unfamiliar with and have been forced to face head on. With regret I explain the situation of not being able to count this card's declaration as actual proof for what is required. Desperation flashes across his face. Remembering the cap assigned earlier this week to no longer accept applications from 14 and 15 year olds, I ask how old he is to double check that we have not been wasting his time. He responds and immediately my heart plummets to the floor. Fifteen. I try my best to blunt the sharp reality that he will not be accepted into the program because he has missed the opportunity by only a few days. It is torture enough to deliver the now disappointing news, but I clinch my jaw and lock it in place to prevent myself from breaking down when I see his shoulders slump down, his eyes slide from shock to sadness, and he covers his head with his hand. I quickly try to pick up the pieces of his heart, hope, pride, and future and refer him to another similar program being offered by another community center but I'm too late. The breath of his hot air balloon has exhaled from his opportunity seeking lungs and he stands before me defeated. My attempt to salvage his dream for summer employment through our program fails. And with parting words he passes through the double doors one last time. I stand in the lobby glancing over his incomplete application and look up to find him slowly walking back to the parking lot with this head facing the pavement.

Hours later after busily manning the front office until closing and attempting to decompress at a Starbucks with book in hand, I arrive at home and walk through the front door. My parents begin asking about my day and naming off options for dinner as I enter the kitchen and I can't do anything but cry. I'm cradled in my dad's arms with tears pouring from my eyes as fast replays of my interaction with Angel continuously play in my head. Angel with a broken wing.

charlotte

She's back. That mysterious elusive web-making spider named Charlotte is back and making herself quite at home on my driver side mirror. I noticed her web this morning while stopped at a light. It reached from the top of my door down to the door handle and back up to the side mirror filling the triangular gaps with zig-zag entanglements. She's been missing ever since I last wrote about her existence, and I wonder every time she reemerges where has been and who else she's influenced. Once I parked at work I knocked her web down with piece of discarded paper from my car. I didn't want her web extending any further into my own personal space.

Hours later after the sun vanished for its nightly slumber I stop at a gas station to fill up my tank. I'm sitting in my car feet dangling down outside the open door, elbow resting on my knee, and my head resting on my hand. A glimmer appears on my side mirror with quick jerky movement and I intently focus on the speck. It's Charlotte salvaging her web yet again. Only this time she's been wary to extend too far from the borders of the industrial side mirror. Her web is contained circular dewy and dense. Without thinking I grab another piece of scrap paper to begin my vengeful attack on the web again, but as I crouch down to eye the web pre-destruction I freeze. Charlotte has also stopped moving. We both engage in the typical childish thought that no one can see us if we're not moving. Analyzing her web and witnessing Charlotte in a more dignified light, I retreat from my attack stance and fall back to sitting inside my car. Charlotte starts jittering again with the comfort of a glass window separating us from each other. I point my finger at her and say, "You can stay there for now, but don't you dare come inside my car. If you do, I'm telling you now I will hurt you. But if you do your thing out there, we'll be good." With a giggle to myself realizing I just verbally spoke to a spider, I hear the click of the gas tank telling me it is finished.

the bad news

"I'm calling in regards to your summer employment project application. Right now we're reviewing your eligibility and unfortunately, you do not meet the requirements for the program. The information you provided concerning your family's income puts you over the Department of Labor guidelines for low income families. So at this time we won't be able to further consider your application. I'm sorry for the news, but thank you for applying and I wish you all the best."

She was only $300 over the income limit. It broke my heart having to tell her the bad news.

krtu

I am an avid radio station listener. Though I possess several booklets of CDs from over the past 10 years, the radio is still my music giver of choice. Lately, one station in particular has been satisfying my need for melodious and harmonious tunes. KRTU 91.7 is wicked awesome. Jazz music all day and all night. I remember tuning into the station every now and then during high school, but in these past few weeks I've exchanged the never-listened to Christian music station on my set radio buttons for this always-listened to college radio jazz station. A friend of mine was riding with me in my car this past weekend and commented on my music choice: "You're such a dork," she said. Yup, a dork who waits in stand-still traffic with her right foot held firmly to the brake and her left foot tapping to the jazz syncopation. A dork who imagines life decades ago in a music era distanced by time but still current in raw talent. I'm a huge dork for jazz music. And I have KRTU to thank. I'll be heading to The Landing sometime soon this summer. A jazz venue on the Riverwalk? Yes please.

oh snap

Did you know...?

As of Oct. 1, 2008, Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) is the new name for the federal Food Stamp Program.

crying soothing melody

"Don't Forget" by Demi Lovato

Did you forget
That I was even alive
Did you forget
Everything we ever had
Did you forget
Did you forget
About me


Did you regret
Ever standing by my side
Did you forget
What we were feeling inside
Now I'm left to forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

So now I guess
This is where we have to stand
Did you regret
Ever holding my hand
Never again
Please don't forget
Don't forget

We had it all
We were just about to fall
Even more in love
Than we were before
I won't forget
I won't forget
About us

But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it

Somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it
At all

And at last
All the pictures have been burned
And all the past
Is just a lesson that we've learned
I won't forget
I won't forget us

But somewhere we went wrong
Our love is like a song
But you won't sing along
You've forgotten
About us

[this song is perfect.
and so is the music video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HulFsv72h3Y ]

haunting peaceful melody

"Glitter In the Air" by Pink

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don’t care

It’s only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning
The breathe before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You’re whole life waiting on the ring to prove you’re not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It’s only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breathe before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breathe
And asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight...

awe

"I choose to shrug my shoulders."

"Simba-logist?"

Hmm. Friends are awesome. Laughing with friends is awesome. Laughing with friends who love you to pieces is also awesome. And laughing with friends who love you to pieces even though you'll disappoint them at times is even more awesome.

Sidenote: I do and will always be proud that I love Star Trek. Call me a dork. I welcome the compliment.

duck and cub

My favorite animal is a duck. Random. Odd. Believe me, I know. Just recently I've decided to declare my second favorite animal: polar bear cubs. Allow me the opportunity to watch polar bear cubs all day long and you'll see the neverending smile spread across my face. I don't know what it is about these two specific animals and why they make me so happy, but I accept these quirky favorite picks in all their cuddly, silly glory. Man, I wish I were a zoologist.