the sixth

November 6th

My mom turned 60 years old today. Hard to believe she's numerically this old because her soul and spirit are so young and vibrant. She is the most generous, kind, compassionate, and selfless person I've ever encountered. I am immensely blessed by having her as my mom and my best friend.

I'm thankful for my mom's sixty years of life and her current health which promises many, many more years to come.

the fifth

November 5th

I'm thankful for all the opportunities I've had to see dance performances, plays, musicals, and other art performances. I am rich in spirit from the performing arts.

the fourth

November 4th

I'm thankful for the musical "Les Miserables." It moves me emotionally and musically. Every time.

the third

November 3rd

I'm thankful for Erin who has been cutting my hair since my junior year of high school. She has provided me with guidance through my impulsive moments of rebellion. But ultimately she's continuously transformed me.

the second

November 2nd

I've always joked that if I were to ever do drugs, I would do inhalants. I'm one of those folks that lives off the smell of dry erase markers, white out, gasoline, Pine Sol, sharpies, etc. I don't know what it is but my nose loves to smell these items. Recently it's occurred with my hair product, toothpaste, Lysol wipes, hand sanitizer and so on. I don't go overboard in sniffing but if I catch a whiff in passing I might waft a second dose my way. Sue me. But I was reminded today by a SACADA training why I don't do drugs and never actually cave into those lingering urges to inhale. I care for my body and it's entire creation way too much than I do for a quick and easy high. The statistics shared at this training were startling and great reminders for my choice of being drug free.

I'm thankful for today's training and my self-control.

the first

In lieu of November and with the onset of Thanksgiving, I would like to blog each day about something or someone I am thankful for. 'Tis the season...

November 1st

I work until 7 pm and our contracted night maintenance staff starts cleaning the building around 6 pm. I'm usually in my office inputting case notes or responding to emails so I regularly interact with one particular worker named Ronnie. Ronnie is a talkative, TALKATIVE, talkative man. But he has the best intentions and an extremely caring heart. Since moving to my new office location I've been privy to some of his interesting conversation pieces as he always stops to chat each time he passes my door. Yesterday Ronnie proceeded to tell me about his food intake for the day. He indulged in a double whopper, two orders of nuggets, a value onion ring, a chocolate sundae with extra chocolate and, of course, a Coke Zero. We both sarcastically laughed at how all the calories must have magically balanced out with that diet drink. Today Ronnie shared that his priority in life by working so hard and as often as possible was to make sure his two daughters didn't have any debt once they graduated from college; he has one daughter at A&M now and another daughter entering UT next year. And I just sit there in my office chair torn between a) wanting to get back to work as quickly as possible wishing this man would just do his job and leave me alone and b) feeling as if in some unknown way his gift is to encourage and brighten a person's day by taking time out of his job routine and partaking in conversation. He always asks how I'm doing and I respond in some terse "I'm fine" or "Doing okay" and when asked in return how he's doing he never fails in saying, "Every day is a good day, Miss Laura." What optimism.

I'm thankful for Ronnie's never ending conversations and ability to make me remember there is more to a day than just fulfilling occupational duties.

change harumph

I'm not a big fan of abrupt change. This is in part due to my recently-diagnosed-by-a-leadership-consultant perfectionist pattern. As an identified Perfectionist, "the specifics of a given situation or project tend to matter to [me]. Work expectations, time requirements, and evaluation procedures are important if [I] am to reach [my] full productivity, so [I] am most comfortable in a clearly defined work environment." So uprooting my entire office and its team in a day when we were supposed to move two weeks later made me crazy. I like systems and organization and plans, not hectic and disorganized large scale movements. I felt lost and unproductive at the end of last week. Change = scary!

I loved my old office. It had great natural lighting from a big window. I could greet the kids coming upstairs to the gameroom. It was distant from constant distractions and provided secluded space for confidential meetings. My new office has mostly been a DIY project. It was smelly, old, gross, and stark white with disgusting smudges all over the wall. Through some assistance from JG, SF, and the CM team it now has four freshly painted walls, one of them in an accent red color. The colors weren't quite my cup of tea but our CEO only lets people paint their office from the "approved palette of colors" so I did the best I could. I finally finished moving all my furniture into the office today and am just waiting on my bulletin board to be transitioned over. I would say the only thing I'm concerned about now is the lighting situation (lack of natural light via sans window) and my empty walls. Something is missing from my new office and I intend to find out what it is!

But all in all, my crazy has simmered down and I can now begin nesting in my new to me but old in years office. Let's do this thing (perfectly, of course).

The World in Six Songs

"One important thing that makes us human, one thing we have that separates us from all other species on our planet, has been noted by psychologists and biologists. It's not the fact that we have a language to communicate with- other animals, such as birds, whales, dolphins, even bees, have sophisticated signaling systems. It's not that we've learned to use tools (chimpanzees do that), that we have built societies (ants have those), or learned to deceive (crows and monkeys). It's not that we're bipedal and have opposable thumbs (primates) or that we often mate for life (gibbons, prairie voles, angelfish, sandhill cranes, termites). What distinguishes us most is one thing no other animals do: art. And it's not just the experience of art, but the centrality of it. Humans have demonstrated a powerful drive toward making art of all different kinds- representational and abstract, static and dynamic, creations that employ space, time, sight, sound, and movement."

HW 2

"There's always that one real catch in your circle of friends who's never single when you're single. But you just know there's something there. And even though you're desperate to hook up with each other, your love lives are completely opposite. He's falling into love as you're burying it. And he breaks up with her just as you're into someone new yourself. When you run into him at parties you attend with your boyfriend, your thoughts drift to what it would be like if he were the one taking you home. You see him thinking that too when he's with his new love and you just went on a break-up diet and look awesome. His girlfriends always distrust you for good reason. And your boyfriends never invite him out for a beer. Now, if you felt like you were soul mates you'd take drastic action but you know in your heart of hearts you really just want one night together. It's an unfair cycle, cupid conspiring against lust. But every once in a while cupid is not paying attention, hung-over, or napping, when the unthinkable happens. At two separate apartments, in two separate relationships, in two separate cities, someone says, "It's over." And all of a sudden anything is possible."

- from "My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me" by Hilary Winston

HW 1

"There's nothing like that feeling of waiting for a guy. It's the lonliest feeling in the world. Holding that cell phone in your hand as you take out the trash, use the bathroom, change the litter box. Fearful that the one second you aren't looking will be when they call. Pathetic. And something I have done as recently as last week. What I do know now, and didn't know then, was that no relationship that makes you feel that insecure lasts. You aren't really waiting for a phone call; you're waiting for the other shoe to drop."

- from "My Boyfriend Wrote A Book About Me" by Hilary Winston

reading list

Books I'm currently reading:

"A Girl's Guide to Homelessness" by Brianna Karp

"Bossypants" by Tina Fey

AM two

Ally: "And this isn't about me wanting a man, either. This is about me wanting a partner, okay? A partner to go through life with. And since I happen to be heterosexual, that limits the field to men. At least if I want to have sex. And I do. I like sex! And if that makes me weak, tough, then I want to be weak. I want a partner. I want sex. I want a house with furniture. I want to have a baby. I want to have all of it. I want to get fat. I want to wear maternity dresses. I want to stick my legs up in stirrups, take two shots of Pitocin and spit the little thing right out between my thighs, and then have him suck on my breast with Daddy standing there the whole time pointing the camcorder, okay? That is what I want. And instead of sitting back hoping for it to happen, I'm gonna make it happen. You think you can deal with that?"

AM one

Tracy: "He's afraid of you. Why make that your problem? He's afraid."
Ally: "Why?"
Tracy: "He's interested."
Ally: "Men are supposed to pounce when they're interested. That's-"
Tracy: "Hello? They pounce on the wrong girls. When it's the right girl, they turn into bumbling little chickens."

reading list

Books I'm currently reading:

"Alphabet Juice: The Energies, Gists, and Spirits of Letters, Words, and Combinations Thereof; Their Roots, Bones, Innards, Piths, Pips, and Secret Parts, Tinctures, Tonics, and Essences; With Examples of Their Usage Foul and Savory" by Roy Blount Jr

"The Lost Girls: Three Friends. Four Continents. One Unconventional Detour Around the World" by Jennifer Baggett, Holly C. Corbett, and Amanda Pressner

"Booky Wook 2" by Russell Brand

sentience

Sentience is another word for consciousness, or the ability to be aware of oneself. For example, you know that you are a human. You know that you are separate from the world around you. When you think a thought or feel an emotion, you know that it only applies to you. You understand that the rest of the world does not change as your mind changes. You are aware that no one else feels or thinks the things you do. You are also aware that your thoughts and feelings come from inside you; they're not placed in your mind from an external source. You have a memory of your thought processes - you know that you didn't always think or feel the way you think or feel right now. And you know that you probably won't think or feel tomorrow the way you do right now. This self-awareness is one of the foundations of human intelligence. Without it, humans would be nonthinking brutes, unable to plan, or remember, or relate to other people.

- The Science of Battlestar Galactica by Di Justo and Grazier, page 32

starting point

For my birthday I asked my parents for a graduate school book that broke down programs by field and programs by state. I have key places I'm interested in moving to in order to attend grad school (Chicago, Boston, Denver, Kansas City, Los Angeles, New York) but I'm trying not to limit myself. I took a moment today and maneuvered my way through this book. I decided to approach this process by first circling the grad school fields of study I was interested in pursuing and learning more about. This is that list, narrowed down:

African Studies, Anthropology, Arts Administration, Art Therapy, Child Development, Corporate and Organizational Communication, Counselor Education, Cultural Studies, Demography and Population Studies, Educational Leadership and Administration, Ethnic Studies, Higher Education, Human Development, Humanities, Human Services, International Affairs, International Development, Liberal Studies, Nonprofit Management, Public Administration, Public Affairs, Public Policy, Religion, Social Psychology, Social Sciences, Social Sciences Education, Social Work, Sociology, Student Affairs, Therapies-Dance, Drama, and Music, Urban and Regional Planning, Urban Education, and Women's Studies

Granted I need to do further research on several of these fields but these are the grad school programs I'm interested in committing to in order to learn more about myself and the world. THIS is a starting point.

the science of kissing

"When it comes to humanity's first kiss, or its predecessor in another species, we have no way of knowing exactly how and why, once upon a time, it happened. After all, there are kisses of joy, of passion and lust, of love and endearment, of commitment and comfort, of social grace and necessity, of sorrow and supplication. It would be silly to assume all these different types of kisses developed from a single behavior or cause; in all likelihood, we kiss as we do today for multiple reasons, not just one."

rant on LD

I don't mean to sound repetitive but why does it seem like guys are afraid of long distance relationships? Are they ideal? Of course not. Are they difficult? Usually. But if you've struggled to find someone you connect with on a) emotional b) intellectual c) spiritual and d) physical levels and happen to meet someone who rocks your world, even if they live elsewhere, why pass up the opportunity to see what could happen? You could be missing out on something amazing but you'd never know it because you're not taking a chance to witness the possibility. It automatically fails because you didn't try. And all I know is that I'm quite a good catch, and if the next guy I meet lives out of town or out of state (like the last three potential guys) and he's so quick to say "no" then I'll probably join a convent. Or I'll move. I'm seriously fed up with this bullsheet. I don't like being teased with hopeful possibilities.

kind quote 1/31

For Christmas my mom gave me a desk calendar called "Kind Anecdotes" which provides sayings and stories related to kindness. Today's kind quote has been my favorite thus far for this year:

"Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage. It takes courage for a person to listen to his own goodness and act on it."
- Pablo Casals

pictures

Is it bad that part of me wishes I were engaged right now only for the sole purpose of having an excuse to take trendy, artsy, creative pictures with an amazing photographer? I am constantly blown away by several engagement pictures I've seen on Facebook. The photographs seem to capture so many amazing qualities about the people, the couple, the love, the future. Black and grey scale, shadows, contrast, focus on color, soft delicate tender moments, joyful real silly shots, blurred out of focus secrecy, upclose and personal exposure, stolen glimpses of intimacy, smiles and smirks, stares and glances.

Here are just a few pictures I adore from past and present friend engagements:

spark

I have a great friend who is undeniably blessed with gifts of encouragement, wisdom, and honesty. She was in town last night and provided me with some amazing words I needed to hear. I was explaining to her my recent movie magic guy situation and how I've been feeling since it ended before it began. After 2.5ish years of being single and no real prospective guys in sight, I fell hard into the situation and hoped for the best. I felt a spark that I hadn't felt in such a long time and it felt wonderful. 

What my beautiful friend brought to my attention was that I needn't feel sad that nothing was occurring with the guy who gave me the spark. What I should be thankful for was that I was finally able to feel the spark again. I glazed the presence of THE spark. And I'm reminded that a more enriching and encompassing spark is waiting for me somewhere in the future. 

Waiting. That's the other key thing to remember. Waiting, not looking. 

These words and more were echoes of a text my other incredible friend sent me this week in regards to where my heart has been: "I know.. Its hard. But, how great does it feel to know how pursuable you are...," and you're right MG. It does feel empowering to know my value as a woman and what I have to contribute to a relationship. And one day the right guy will realize my value and will uplift me to show me I'm worth it. And in turn I'll do the same for him. 

So... wait I shall. And self-worth I will pursue. 

movie magic

You can't create movie magic in real life. If you try and manipulate a moment to become movie magic, then you've missed the whole concept of it in the first place. Movie magic occurs when something so organic and genuine just naturally happens and it sweeps you off your feet and catches your breath all at once. Movie magic is a feeling you'll always assign to a particular memory that was so outstanding and marvelous that you could only imagine it occurring in a movie. True authentic movie magic is rare. But if you've ever had a taste of it you know how powerful and overwhelming it can be.

Personally, I can think of two movie magic moments occurring in my lifetime. My first taste of movie magic was during my junior year of college. It involved a crush on a boy, a misunderstanding, hurt feelings, apologetic phone call, dropped call, crying, pebbles thrown at window, third floor conversation, running down the stairs, forgiveness, and kisses in the stairwell. A very Romeo and Juliet-esque movie magic moment, I'd say.

My second movie magic moment happened this past weekend. I am so completely enamored by this moment that I'm still having to recover and return to earth from the entire experience. A delicate, perfect kiss underneath the Hollywood sign at 3 am followed by a night of gentle yet passionate canoodling in a warm bed. It was perfection. Movie magic perfection. He was a stranger two weeks ago but now I feel as if I've been waiting for a guy as special as him for quite some time.

But unfortunately, as with all magic, movie magic is only temporary. You aren't allowed to experience movie magic forever. And so in this more recent instance, my movie magician is still in LA and I am in SA. So all the daydreams that follow movie magic will now cease to transform into reality. And that makes me quite sad.

Then again, I remember how lucky I've been to experience movie magic more than once. And no one can take those memories away. I hope you glimpse movie magic because it truly is astounding to feel in your heart.